To someone who is in the depths of a Mental Health Crisis the question repeats and repeats and it’s a simple question:
Why go on… I ask myself 7 days a week?
And that’s the question that’s been floating around my head since around 10am today, and its all consuming. Except today it’s going further than just asking the question. Today I have planned three ways in which I could successfully achieve the goal of finally having some peace inside my mind.
I’m not going to write all the details of the three ways as that just defeats the object really, writing those down will in my mind actually make them a viable reality. As it stands right now they are simply just a collection of thoughts and plans stored in my mind, writing them down will make them final.
Maintaining rational thought at a time like this becomes a real fight, it’s useful having this website up and running again as it gives me an outlet for days like this. When I write I can settle my mind again and for the time it takes to write a piece I have clarity of thought. Once I finish writing then that clarity goes and I’m back to where I was before I started writing.
I took a walk earlier in the hope that it would help me settle my head, that caused a bigger problem, I thought I’ll take a walk round the park, it’s a nice calming place after all. So as I walked up the road my mind suddenly and rather loudly shouted, the river in the park woud be the perfect place.
As the thought rushed through my mind I had to stop and hold myself against a fence temporarily just so that I could stop myself from carrying on to the park and make myself turn around and head back home. On the short walk back home I started writing the Suicide Letter in my head. My finger has been hovering over the Call Button on my phone for the Crisis Team for the last few hours, as yet I haven’t made the call as I’m giving the writing outlet a chance to slow down the thoughts.
I don’t think I’ve met anyone who hasn’t thought about Suicide at least once in their lives. When your life is taken over by the darkness of a Mental Health Crisis causes it becomes the only way you can see that will bring the peace you so desperately need.
I saw my doctor the back end of last week and for the first time EVER I told someone about the vivid dreams/nightmares I have on a regular basis. And I’m very much regretting having said it. As now it’s real words in the real world, up until now they’d remained inside my head. Since talking about it as brief as it was the nightmares have intensified and are happening almost nightly now.
Even making the decission to write this let alone press the Publish Button fills me with dread. I can only imagine the things people will say and think about me right now. The reality is though I have to try anything I can to stop me actually taking that route. I have to try anything and everything that helps me get through the day.
Ok, I thought I had a handle on what I wanted to say, but it seems I’ve lost where I wanted to go with talking about this, so for now I’m just going to leave this small part out there and if the brain suddenly remembers what I wanted to say I’ll update the post.
I’m not alone today and I have told the two people who are helping me most at the moment and obviously now I’ve put it out there myself and now anyone who actually reads this knows, so I’m not doing it alone and I have a safety net today.
#Shaun who him? – I’ve worked in the Employability & Skills, Recruitment, Training, Careers Advice & CV Writting/Consultancy sectors for over 20 years. Currently developing my life long passion of Photography with the eventual aim of building a new business venture. McLaren F1 and Ayrton Senna fan who also enjoys cooking who more recently using my enjoyment of writing to talk about my own Mental Health struggles.