Today anger bubbles under the surface - ShaunThomas.uk - Mental Health
#mentalhealthmatters #moodsandanger #suicidalthoughts

I can feel the anger rising

Today I have just slowly felt the anger rising within me, at first I wans’t sure what was going on as I had no particular reason to feel anger. Most of the targets I have set myself today have been acheived, mostly working on websites, but in general nothing has happened to spark any particular feelings of anger.

As the day has gone out I’ve managed to work out why. After my visit to the Mental Health Team at the Julian Hospital yesterday it’s slowly dawned on me what actually happened during yesterdays appointment was I was simply palmed off by the Mental Health Team onto another provider.

Now, in essence I don’t mind as the service I have been pointed to (not reffered to, I have to do that myself) is looking like the perfect place for me to help work on the root causes of my issues (not saying who as it easily gives out more information that I am prepared to reveal).

My anger and frustration come from having had this conversation with the Mental Health Team the first day I met with them. This information wasn’t given to me then even though I had explained ultimately the help I need.

Having noted all of that down on her forms at the first appointment three months ago, I wasn’t informed at that stage that the Mental Health Service based at the Julian isn’t equiped to help with my specific needs even though she must have been clearly aware of that fact.

Again we talk in more depth about the root cause on the sencond appointment 2 months ago. And again no mention of them not being equiped to provide the help I’m looking for. So two months have passed knowing they couldn’t actually provide what I need.

Regardless of these two indepth conversations, we got to the third month before I was informed that I need to refer myself to another service and that I would be reffered back to my doctor and signed off as a succesful outcome to the NHS.

I have reffered myself to the sprecialist charity. I could however have done this three months ago and be three months further down the line already. Surely with the financial and personnel pressures on the Mental Health Service you’d think that being able to identify the need from day one and point the individual to the right service would be the best use of resources and time.

Instead this has wasted 3 hours of time in terms of appointments, however many hours the 3 months worth of appointments have generated in admin and paperwork time, and has left me three months further back than I could have been by now.

As it stands I now have another two months to wait for access to the next possible service. And I’ve also been left with no outside support system from “professionals” during that interim time.

Its this interim time when I am likely to really need that additional professional support as I approach the time for actually having to start the work of facing the issues head on.

My mind has now become fixacted on failing during the next two months of waiting as I feel now I have nowhere to turn other than my own close support network. That in itself causes a furter set of issues.

I’m looking for the Professional Help as it isn’t fair to put this all onto my close support network (of two people). If I thought they could handle it I would have already done so.

Now I am left feeling relatively alone and unsure I’ll make the next two months without deciding on the easy option of surpressing the issues again.

Sadly though I know if I do that I won’t be able to go through this whole process again and I will make the one decission left open to me. And I won’t even consider trying to solve or surpress the issues again.

My week started on such a positve note, I had a plan, I knew the steps needed to achieve it and I was very confident in being able to get there, but now …

the confidence has taken a big dip. I’m nowhere near as sure I can succed as a big part of my plan, that of keeping additional supprt inbetween transfering between the different services has been taken away.

The anger is manifesting in a way I don’t like because it normally means I can’t stop it. I want to puch out at something right now. This normally results in holes being left in doors and I’ve never managed so far to hold that feeling back.

Now I guess I have to go back to the doctor to hopefully find some other options.

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