Today is one of those days where my mental health is balanced on the edge of wanting to win and also wanting to give into the thoughts of Suicide, more recently those thoughts have become something of a permanent fixture in my mind. There is hardly a day that passes where I don’t feel like the best solution would be to take that last step. It would solve so many things in one go;
The negative thoughts and memories will finally end.
My mind will finally be at peace.
I won’t have to explain why I feel the way I do anymore.
I won’t be hurting those around me anymore.
I won’t be bothering anyone with my continued negativity.
People are fed up of hearing about your shit.
No one cares that you’re having a shit time.
You’re just bringing everyone down with you.
Everyone around you would be far better off with you gone.
Right now I only see myself as an empty shell of what I used to be, the essence that makes up my personality is damaged beyond repair and the me that is emerging from the wreckage is nothing more than an an angry shadow, an insignificant blot on the landscape, the voice that screams from the darkness for help that nobody hears or even wants to hear anymore.
For others around me this period of Mental Health issues is relatively recent, being more prominent over the last few months and obviously more vocalised recently as I’m writing about it here. The truth is though that its always there, lurking in the background just waiting for me to let the defences slip long enough to allow it to take a full hold of me.
My brain currently feels like that hard drive in my server that’s telling me its full, my storage capacity is so full its files are leaking and blending together into weird and dark thoughts that are becoming more intense as the days pass. I don’t think my file storage system has ever been this full to capacity.
When the thoughts and emotions are blending into one large all consuming thought and you no longer have the ability to distinguish and only have a desire to finally follow it through. That’s the position my mind is fast approaching. If I was to fix a number to my actual disk capacity at the moment I would be on 98% full, with just that 2% of rational and logical thought space left to keep me from taking the final step.
So, the battle is a hard one, being played out on a very narrow bandwidth and walking that extremely tight rope of holding on in there and giving in and letting the last 2% go. And its a battle I feel I am losing more as the days slip past in their haze.
#Shaun who him? – I’ve worked in the Employability & Skills, Recruitment, Training, Careers Advice & CV Writting/Consultancy sectors for over 20 years. Currently developing my life long passion of Photography with the eventual aim of building a new business venture. McLaren F1 and Ayrton Senna fan who also enjoys cooking who more recently using my enjoyment of writing to talk about my own Mental Health struggles.