Mental Health a Bad Day - ShaunThomas.uk - Mental Health
#mentalhealthmatters #ptsd #depression #baddays

More bad days than good days?…

Dealing with your own Mental Health is never an easy task. But when you hit a bad day it feels like an impossible mission just to see a way through the next hour, today I’m having one of those days.

As it stands its a little past Midday on a Saturday, normally a day where I don’t have to do much, just a relaxing day of the week where I can bimble around doing odds and sods or nothing whichever the mood takes. And yet today I awoke with that feeling of dread, because I’ve felt it many times before.

As it stands its a little past Midday on a Saturday, normally a day where I don’t have to do much, just a relaxing day of the week where I can bimble around doing odds and sods or nothing whichever the mood takes. And yet today I awoke with that feeling of dread, because I’ve felt it many times before.

When the first thought that passes through my mind is “I wonder how many tablets I have in the draw, are there enough” then I know the day is going to be a struggle and the battle begins from that instant and consumes every other moment, it’s at that precise moment I simply hope for the best that I can get through until the bad thoughts go back to their sleep state until the next visit.

There is never a single trigger that points to a bad day, it’s just one of those things that seems to just be there when my brain comes out of its sleep mode and into its daily activity mode, I don’t go to sleep with any particular worry or thought process, I guess what I’m trying, badly to explain is that a bad day just happens.

The thoughts in my head right now:

You’re a failure
No one actually likes you
You’ve got nothing to offer
You’re just a burdon to everyone around you
People are sick of hearing about your shit time
Just take all the tablets and see if they do the job

… and many more in a similar vein, after waking up about 6am this morning and having that dreaded first thought of the day that tells me to be prepared today I decided eventually to try and write this whilst those thoughts where happening in the hope that maybe I’d see something I had missed that could point to a reason for todays bad day.

The worst part my bad days are then compounded by my own need to search for a reason, the way my logic works tells me there has to be a reason, I find it hard to accept that the bad days just happen, which only serves to make a bad day a worse day because I’m fighting with my own thoughts to find a reason for the bad day and can’t find the reason, that just makes my brain scream out “Take the tablets, it will solve the confusion”.

These days are also the days where stepping outside the front door becomes a scary thought, the world outside is suddenly transformed into a place to fear and a place to hate and a place my mind doesn’t like to be, so I avoid it by simply locking the door and staying firmly inside.

Walk in front of a truck, that’ll do it…

My single biggest fear of the outside word when I’m having a really bad day, like today is Trucks. On the really bad days my mind becomes far more impulsive and simply reacts to thoughts rather than thinking them through first.

And one of the ways I have always thought would be the fast ways to kill myself would be walking in front of a Truck running at a decent speed (which is ironic in a way, as my favourite PC games are ATS and ETS2, American and European Truck Simulator respectively), it should get the job done pretty quickly if I don’t have enough tablets, if it doesn’t the hope is that it would cause enough injuries for the doctors to recommend turning the machines off which would also solve the problem.

The more worrying factor is when I think about combining the two, because I am aware of the impulse to take tablets (as I’ve done it before), I agreed with my doctor to only have a maximum of two weeks supply of any meds to reduce the risk factors should the impulse manage to win though, however more recently my brain has turned to thinking what if I took the tablets I had and then went out to find a place where trucks would be running fast enough to really have a chance of working that the meds I had taken would enable me to then take that next step of walking into the road.

Thankfully I haven’t reached that point yet, but these are the thought processes that run through my mind when the days like today come along. I hope this has given you an insight into the weird workings of my head when I’m facing a day like today.

I hope it’s made sense and hasn’t rambled on, the bottom line is its how my mind thinks during days like today, I have tried to convey that whilst remembering that I’m writing on my website rather than just a fed up Facebook post, I hope to convey real feelings through this medium as by reading it here you’ve chosen to rather than having no choice but to put up with my Facebook rants lol.

Mental Health a Bad Day - ShaunThomas.uk - Mental Health
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