Its hard to describe just what being in a slump of the darkness of depression trully feels like, its never just one feeling or one emotion. Sometimes I can identify the cause of a low mood and quickly correct it by dealing with whatever the issue is, a low mood for me is easy to identify and correct quickly.
As I write this its 5am and I’ve already been awake since 3, I’m sat watching Star Trek the Next Generation and the TV is casting its light into the room, I can hear the theme tune play as I type this on my phone, and whilst I see the words appear on my screen and hear the words coming from the TV, all I can actually see is that long never ending blackness of nothing.
My mind feels no joy, no positivity, my eyes see no light, no bright green sign guiding me to the safety of the light, where the world lives and thrives, where you hear the laughter of life and see the joy of living. The harder I try to find that green Emergency Exit sign the deeper the blackness seems to get.
My battlefield is firmly locked in place, the weapons I have are just the thoughts in my mind, but that causes another problem, you can’t fight your way off the battlefield when your only weapons are fear, self-doubt and hatred for allowing myself to get caught by the darkness again.
The darkness whispers my name in an attempt to draw me further in, but I know what’s hiding over there in the darkest corner, my ultimate fear hides there, the thing I’m most afraid of is lurking in that corner, it’s a place I’ve been before, it’s a place of ultimate black, you can take the most powerful torch into that corner and it will shine not a single shaft of light, your eyes won’t adjust it just stays black.
The closer your dragged to that corner the wisper becomes a scream, expect this time it’s not my name the darkness is screaming, it’s screaming at me to stay in the corner, the darkness seems to need me to survive, it also seems in some odd way to understand me, it seems to know exactly what to say to tempt me closer. It offers to bring me peace, it doesn’t offer me the wonders of the Exit sign it only offers its own idea of peace.
The darkness casts images into my mind, it shows me people I’ve lost, people I miss and then offers me the opportunity to see and speak to them again, it keeps them just out of reach, you can just barely see them enough to know who they are, but the darkness teases you, it lets you see them but it doesn’t allow you to hear or talk to them, you’re only allowed that once pay the final price.
When I ask the price the images change, they become more intense, more focused and with one single goal in mind. It wants me to offer myself to its power, it projects intense feelings of joy and a place where depression doesn’t exist, it tells me I’ll be happy there and able to talk to those people again. Interspersed with those feelings of joy and elation it shows me how to get there.
Its instructions are simple, it shows me how to end it all and take that last step into that final corner of deepest, darkest black, yet it isn’t black, its filled with everything I want, its filled with the cure for my thoughts, it seems like the place I really want to go, but then I hear my own voice from behind me calling me back from the corner, I hear myself calling out and shouting out “the darkness lies”.
This is where the real battlefield is, when I’m routed to the spot between following the instructions of the darkness and turning around and running back in the direction of my own voice, and this is the battlefield I’m fighting on today.
#Shaun who him? – I’ve worked in the Employability & Skills, Recruitment, Training, Careers Advice & CV Writting/Consultancy sectors for over 20 years. Currently developing my life long passion of Photography with the eventual aim of building a new business venture. McLaren F1 and Ayrton Senna fan who also enjoys cooking who more recently using my enjoyment of writing to talk about my own Mental Health struggles.