Last Night was a very difficult night. It started from the second I awoke yesterday morning at 4am, my mind was literally empty other than one single consuming thought that repeated over and over “Today’s the day”. My mind took a direction it had never taken before by 6am I had actually actively planned in my head three ways I could achieve the goal of “today really being the day”.
I’d always considered that should I ever be that close it would purely be a total impulse thing like the last time I attempted suicide.
That was some six years ago now, I had done the normal Friday or Saturday night out, had a few laughs, told a load of bad jokes, most likely annoyed at least two people (It’s my average for a night out). I drank too much as normal, walked home with a friend, still laughing and joking, so the night ended fantastically.
I put the key in the front door, went to the bedroom, sat on the bed let out a whistle and 15 seconds later I have the cat sat on my shoulder going nuts for some attention, again everything totally normal this happened every weekend…
… I had a smoke (just a cigarette), fussed the cat for 10 mins, went into the kitchen to make a coffee, again perfectly part of my normal routine, prepped the coffee, turned on the kettle, and moved around to look out of the window… then again I did the normal, had a quick look on Facebook to see who was bitching about who, who slept with who (I’m gay we all do jt) lol… again all routine.
And the next thing I remember is looking down at around 6 or 7 completely empty tablet boxes, I truly had no memory of taking a single one of them, I desperately checked the bin in case I had made a decision to throw them out, nope. Then I turned around again and saw the half empty bottle on the kitchen side and some remnants of tablet in the bottom of a glass.
That moment was the point I thankfully switched to autopilot, I knew I didn’t want to do what I had done. So I instantly took pictures of the boxes and sent them to the two most trusted people in my life. And between the two of them it turned out positively because I’m still here.
Time travel forward again to last night, so where was I, ah, I’d just talked about it actually being the first time I’d actively planned ways in which to finish the job. This instantly put me on the highest internal alert I’ve every been at.
Every thought that went through my head felt as though it was burning its way through, and at each stage of accepting that thought wasn’t negative the burning got more intense, my whole day was nothing but fighting my heads internal desire to act on the plans and my rational desire not to act on them.
I genuinely haven’t fought that hard for anything before, it was a silent battle inside my own mind, yet it felt like a full Military Campaign was taking place and my brains cells and pathways where the front line.
I tried everything I could to move my thoughts into a safer place. I sat at my desk and tried for an hour to write part of an article for a future Careers Advice post I was planning, no help, I couldn’t write the opening line.
So I thought, I have some work to do on the Business Plan for Photography, another hour passes and all I’d managed was to open the files and stare at the Introduction for most of the hour not even knowing where I’d planned on editing, obviously that was a no go too.
I then loaded up my game of choice right now, it gives me a totally different set of thought processes to consider and I love really good Simulator Gaming (48 and still a gamer at heart). Within 10 mins I’d managed to roll the truck by turning the speed limiter off and seeing how fast it could go. Surprisingly the simulator is that good that when you take a corner at 90mph in a fully loaded truck the accident that happens afterwards is pure carnage.
That didn’t work either then, I found myself staring at the screen the mind once again running nothing but the three scenarios I’d planned (I’m not detailing the plans as they currently don’t control my head today, I do, I think writing them up may give them back the power they had yesterday, so reducing my risk factors I won’t go there).
Next thing to try… a bath … no help there either. And then the joy, the other halfs phone goes off, text from his old boss who made him redundant last week and was trying everything she could to not pay.
Thankfully my past 24 years of Recruitment and Employment kick in instantly, and it takes less than 5 text messages to go from her making accusations of blackmail and involving the Police to her admitting liability to owing the two weeks Statutory Redundancy Payment. (The basic outline, no great detail just in case its not over).
Anyway, after that you’d think I’d be on a high, celebrating the win? I was, I was laughing and buzzing for a good 15 minutes, I made a “smugarsery” as I phrased it Facebook post, my mind switched back to far happier points, it would be safe to say I switched gears and went into full on manic mode of enjoyment.
I took full advantage of the end of the tournament, reloaded my game, paid the massive repair bill for the truck and set about earning the money back (still got the bank loan to pay for the damn thing lol, I don’t use cheats). Sat happily trucking away for almost three hours, by the time I was done I had gone from Felixstowe to Milan and back again.
I made the final drop off, went back to home base to sleep (the game makes you take the proper rest breaks), switched off the engine, pressed escape (always save at rest points), and bang out of nowhere, the three plans all hit my head at once, all three spinning and inter-mixing in to one jumbled mess of confusion….
… I pressed quit, stared at the screen for a while, looked around my desk, swung my chair round, took one look at the other half (I haven’t asked his permission to publish his name), and said, “I have to go, come and check on me in an hour”, no other explanation, I had non to offer.
Off to the safety off the bedroom, blackout blinds firmly down, no tv nor radio on, darkness and silence. Climb into bed, pillow my head and let the battle commence once more in the depths of my mind…
… an hour passes, and as asked the other half comes in, asks if I’m ok, I think I responded something like, no, but thanks for checking, he stayed and just watched for I think a minute or so, then back to the just me, the silence and the dark, battle on again.
The next memory, 5am, my brain wakes me up, scans the room, just me, still dark. So its “hey Google, time” his voice tone is quiet soft and soothing on half volume (and of course I picked the male voice, I mentioned the gay thing right lol).
Anyway the tone comes across the room its 4:59am, I’m completely refreshed, all the negative thoughts of yesterday have gone, I know the memory exists, the plans still lurk, but for now I won another victory…
Yesterday I survived.
#Shaun who him? – I’ve worked in the Employability & Skills, Recruitment, Training, Careers Advice & CV Writting/Consultancy sectors for over 20 years. Currently developing my life long passion of Photography with the eventual aim of building a new business venture. McLaren F1 and Ayrton Senna fan who also enjoys cooking who more recently using my enjoyment of writing to talk about my own Mental Health struggles.