I’ve tried so hard to just keep going and to just get through another day. Its difficult to write about anything when your your mind is balancing on a very thin rope and walking it is becoming more and more difficult by the day. I woke this morning with a stealy determination, but sadly not my normal determination to get through another day.
I have two months until an assessment appointment with a local Charity who specialise in providing support and psychological help to deal with the reasons for my mental health problems. I’m just not sure I can get that far with the thoughts that race through my mind every waking hour of every day, and the nightmares that haunt me when I finally do get sleep.
Contemplation of the Suicide Letter
In many ways I believe the realisation that at some point my life would end this way a fair few years ago now, and it was just a case of waiting for the time to come when I no longer had control. That point is approaching faster and faster and has been for the last six months since this period of instability started.
Its a letter I’ve written in my head a hundred times, yet never commited to paper. Today I’ve started writing it in the real world. My reasons are highly personal and that is the only part of writing the letter I’m having trouble with. How do you tell those you love…
That’s the only part of this that has so far kept me attached to this life. How do you explain why you’ve made the decission? when the truth is you don’t fully understand why yourself. I just know the stark reality in my mind that this is the only way it ends. It seems so simple.
It’s the hardest question to answer of course. So, I thought I’d try and change the question to “does it matter if I don’t actually fully explain why?”. That doesn’t really help resolve the problem, because I just don’t know if the people cloest to me really want to know why. When you see your life deminish from that of having an active social life and hardly being at home to something I don’t recognise, that is the person I’ve started to become.
It’s my own fault really…
Yes, its true, just a few weeks ago I finally made the decission to take the final step and confront the particluar demons that haunt me. I made that decission after they reared their ugly head again with avengence six months ago. The months between where spent agonising over whether to take the leap and ask for the help.
I’m regreting that decission more than I can say. The fear building inside me day after day is becoming unbearable and I wish I could reverse the decission I’ve made and just put it all back in its box again and just leave it there until it comes out to play again.
#Shaun who him? – I’ve worked in the Employability & Skills, Recruitment, Training, Careers Advice & CV Writting/Consultancy sectors for over 20 years. Currently developing my life long passion of Photography with the eventual aim of building a new business venture. McLaren F1 and Ayrton Senna fan who also enjoys cooking who more recently using my enjoyment of writing to talk about my own Mental Health struggles.