More recently one of the biggest problems for me is coping with and managing Drastic Mood Swings. My moods can change from minute to minute, this is an esculation in my current Mental Health State with the mood swings becoming far more pronounced and obvous, I can normally manage slight mood swings and remain fairly evenly balanced.
Today started out so well, woke up at 5am in a fairly balanced mood, no anger, no annoyance, generally on an even keel and felt confident in my ability to roll through today with no big problems. The tick sheet of jobs to-do today fell like dominoes. SSL Certifictaes (a nerd thing) all up and running, finished working on the new Logo for this site, helped Will get his website sorted out and fixed some design elements, everything was rolling along nicely.
And then all of a sudden everything changes. My stress levels leap, my heart rate is faster and everything I seem to look at or try to do fills me with a wave of anger and all I want to do is scream and shout at anyone, anything, everyone and everything.
Even sat here trying to explain how it feels when such a drastic mood swing happens is raising my anger levels as I find it far harder to concentrate and formulate words and ideas or even carry out simple tasks like making a coffee without feeling the need to throw something across the room.
The anger isn’t even directed at one particular thing or person, there is no trigger point of where the feelings of anger started to appear, one minute everything is just fine and dandy, the next I’m all but ready to punch someone or something. I’m pretty good normally at holding back on those feelings of extreme anger but right now I’m finding it increasingly more difficult to manage myself and maintain any kind of stability.
I try all the normal stuff, stop what I’m working on and take a break, no help, go for a walk, no help and so on and so on. Even now trying to write this I can feel muself getting progressively angrier because I can’t put the words together to explain exactly what I mean.
The mood swings are becoming more and more pronounced and up at the top end of my scale, being at the top end of my scale means that the slightest thing could set of a torrent of shouting for no apparent reason or picking on the smallest thing that in the grand scheme of things is totally insignificant just so that I can shout about something.
Being at this level creates so many problems for me, I have to be hyper aware of who or what is around me as the temptation to lash out verbally and physically becomes like a hair trigger.
Being out in public or just around people in general becomes impossible as something as simple as someone stopping in front of me to look into a shop window for instance makes me want to shout and call them names because I may now have to slow down and sidestep them.
As risk factors go the great outdoors and being around people in general is so much harder for me these days, which means I find myself sticking to visiting the same people, going to the same places or doing what I need to do “outside” as early as possible in the morning or even late in the evenings as I can minimise the number of people I come into contact with, which means less chance of me reacting badly to something innocuous and trivial.
Life becomes a very restrictive and lonely place to be when you can’t even trust yourself to be with other humans.
#Shaun who him? – I’ve worked in the Employability & Skills, Recruitment, Training, Careers Advice & CV Writting/Consultancy sectors for over 20 years. Currently developing my life long passion of Photography with the eventual aim of building a new business venture. McLaren F1 and Ayrton Senna fan who also enjoys cooking who more recently using my enjoyment of writing to talk about my own Mental Health struggles.